When I finally decided to have a baby, several things happened. Pregnant women and babies appeared everywhere. It's like when you're eyeing a specific car and suddenly see it on every road—moms and babies are omnipresent. Sex also got weird, not in a fun way. I had spent so much effort avoiding pregnancy that switching to “trying to make a baby!” felt different. Some women get pregnant easily. (We call my friend Marianne, “Fertile Myrtle.” If she even looks at her husband, she’s pregnant.) Many do not.

You’re Having a Baby—Now What?

You know that the struggle did end for us, and it ended in joy. I hope that is the case for you, too. Very sincerely.

Whether it’s the old-fashioned way, IVF, surrogacy, or adoption, let's say you’re having a baby! How exciting—and how scary. There’s plenty of fun in the lead-up to the big arrival—baby showers, shopping for adorable baby stuff. People always say “everything changes,” but until it happens, you have no idea just how true that is.

You might recall that as a second-year medical resident, living apart from my husband wasn't working for me (even if it seemed fine for him!). So, I made an unconventional move and asked my residency advisor at Stanford to help me transfer to Vanderbilt. Usually, this sort of transfer doesn't happen, but I asked anyway. Everyone was incredibly supportive. Amazing! I moved to Nashville to be with him, and we bought a house and got a dog!

Phew, I thought, I'm catching back up...

I stared at my 28-year-old friend Daphne as she collapsed onto her couch, kicking off her heels with relief. She glanced at her phone and pulled up some questions she had for me. Her mind buzzed with questions, insecurities, and doubts, each one jostling for space in her exhausted brain. Should I? Or, shouldn't I? The question loomed over her like a dark cloud.

Growing up, Daphne had absorbed the cultural expectations for young women like a sponge. It was an almost impossible checklist: finish school, get a great job you love, find a partner, move in together, maybe buy a place, and then? Maybe it's time for a baby. Somewhere in between, she was supposed to get a dog, a cat, or at least some plants and attend all her friends' weddings and baby showers. She’d been dutifully ticking off these boxes but now felt that she was running out of steam.