Partnership Part 3
Competence, Communication, and Why Asking for Partnership Matters
In this final part of our series on partnership, we’re focusing on three key elements: competence, communication, and the subtle but significant difference between asking for “help” and asking for partnership. These themes are essential for building a strong, balanced relationship where both partners feel respected, empowered, and equally responsible for the mental and physical load of everyday life.
The Power of Words: Don’t Ask for Help, Ask for Partnership
This piece of advice changed how I approached my marriage: Never ask your partner for help. At first glance, this might sound counterintuitive. Isn’t it good to ask for help when you need it? The problem is that the word “help” implies that the responsibility is yours and that your partner is merely assisting you.
When you ask for help, you’re subconsciously framing the task as something that belongs to you—whether it’s managing the kids, planning meals, or keeping the household running. Your partner is then doing you a favor by stepping in. But in a true partnership, these tasks don’t belong to one person. They are shared responsibilities that you both need to manage.
Instead, ask for partnership. This subtle shift in language changes the dynamic of your relationship. You’re not delegating tasks or asking for a favor—you’re working together as a team. In our house, we don’t say, “Can you help with the dishes?” We say, “Can you take care of the dishes tonight?” The difference might seem small, but it reinforces the idea that we’re both equally responsible for our home and family life.
When you frame things in terms of partnership, it encourages both people to take ownership of the tasks that need to be done. There’s no “helping”—there’s just doing what needs to be done as part of the shared commitment to each other and to the family.
Communication: The Lifeblood of Partnership
If there’s one thing that makes or breaks a partnership, it’s communication. Without open, honest communication, even the strongest relationships can crumble under the weight of unspoken expectations, misunderstandings, and resentments.
In our marriage, communication has been the cornerstone of our success. Early on, we learned that we had to talk about everything—no matter how small or trivial it seemed. Whether it was about who would pick up the kids from school or how we would manage our finances, we made it a priority to communicate openly and frequently.
But it wasn’t always easy. Like many couples, we had to navigate different communication styles. Alex tends to be more laid-back, while I’m more detail-oriented. Over time, we’ve learned to meet each other halfway. I’ve become better at letting go of the need to control every detail, and Alex has become more proactive in communicating his thoughts and needs.
One of the most important lessons we’ve learned is the value of pre-emptive communication. Instead of waiting until one of us is frustrated or overwhelmed, we try to address potential issues before they become problems. This means checking in with each other regularly—whether it’s about our schedules, our workload, or how we’re feeling emotionally.
These check-ins aren’t just about logistics; they’re about making sure we’re both on the same page and that neither of us is carrying more than we can handle. It’s a simple practice, but it makes a world of difference in keeping our partnership balanced and harmonious.
The Pitfalls of Complaining: Focus on the Positive
It’s easy to complain about your partner, especially when you’re venting with friends. But here’s the thing—constant complaining, especially in front of others, creates negativity that can be hard to shake.
I’m all for venting when things get tough, but there’s a difference between a healthy outlet for frustration and constantly focusing on what your partner is doing wrong. When you start focusing on the negatives, it becomes all you see. You start noticing every little thing they do that annoys you, and before you know it, you’re caught in a spiral of resentment.
Instead of complaining, try focusing on the positives. It sounds simple, but it can shift the entire dynamic of your relationship. Yes, Alex folds the towels in quarters, but he’s folding the towels. And that’s worth appreciating. It’s far more rewarding to focus on what your partner is doing right than to dwell on what they’re doing “wrong.”
Final Thoughts on Partnership: Support, Share, and Grow
In the end, a successful partnership is about more than just dividing tasks and responsibilities. It’s about showing up for each other, sharing the mental and emotional load, and creating an environment where both partners feel valued and supported. Life isn’t about perfection, and neither is marriage or parenting. It’s about finding a rhythm that works for both of you and trusting that, together, you can handle whatever comes your way.
By focusing on competence over perfection, practicing open communication, and asking for partnership rather than help, you can build a relationship that feels balanced, fulfilling, and strong. Life will never be perfectly even, but when you stop keeping score and start working together, you create a partnership that’s built to last.