Partnership Part 2
Decision Fatigue, Carrying Capacity, and Sharing the Mental Load
The Burden of Decision Fatigue
There’s a particular feeling that hits after a long day when you’ve already made a thousand tiny decisions: what to wear, what to feed the kids, which emails to answer, what appointments need rescheduling. The idea of making one more choice can feel overwhelming. You know the moment—when someone asks, "What do you want for dinner?" and your brain just shuts down. For me, that moment comes often when I ask Alex what he wants for dinner, and he replies, "Whatever you want." While he’s being considerate, what he doesn’t realize is that it’s not the cooking that’s exhausting me—it’s the deciding.
Decision fatigue is a very real, scientifically backed phenomenon. As we go through our day, every decision we make depletes our mental energy, and by evening, we’re often running on empty. The modern world, with its constant stream of information and choices, only amplifies this. Studies show that the average adult makes around 35,000 decisions daily. For women, especially those managing a household, many of these decisions revolve around family life—what to feed the kids, when to pick them up from school, which extracurricular activities they should participate in, and so on. It’s a never-ending mental drain.
When we talk about dividing up responsibilities in a partnership, decision-making is often overlooked, yet it’s one of the most taxing aspects of running a household. It’s not just about doing the tasks but about making all the decisions that lead up to the tasks. This is why sharing the mental load is so important in a relationship. It’s not just about who cooks or who does the laundry; it’s about lightening the cognitive burden that comes with managing a household.
The Mental Load: Invisible But Heavy
The mental load refers to all the planning, organizing, and managing that goes into keeping life running smoothly. It’s often invisible, but it’s heavy. It includes everything from keeping track of school events to remembering when the milk is running low to scheduling doctor’s appointments. And too often, it falls disproportionately on one partner, typically the woman.
For years, I carried the bulk of the mental load in our household, often without even realizing it. I wasn’t just responsible for doing tasks—I was also the one who had to remember they needed to be done in the first place. And let me tell you, it’s exhausting. This imbalance is a common issue in many partnerships, even when both partners are equally involved in other aspects of life, like work and parenting.
I remember feeling a wave of frustration when Alex would ask me something like, "What do the kids need for school tomorrow?" or "What time is their soccer practice?" These were small questions, but each one added to the growing weight of my mental load. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to answer him—it was that I was already carrying so much, and having to manage yet another detail felt overwhelming.
Sharing the Mental Load
One of the most crucial steps toward creating a balanced partnership is sharing the mental load. This means more than just dividing up tasks; it means taking equal responsibility for the planning and decision-making that keep a household running.
In our house, this shift took time and a lot of open conversations. We started by identifying areas where I was shouldering more of the mental burden and figured out how Alex could take on more of the planning and organizing. For example, instead of me being the one who had to remember what groceries we needed, we set up a shared list on our phones so he could check and add things just as easily as I could. Instead of me always planning our weekends, Alex started taking the lead on scheduling family activities.
These changes might sound small, but they made a massive difference in how we navigated the mental load of family life. It wasn’t just about lightening my burden; it was about making sure that we were both equally engaged in the everyday decisions that keep our household running. Sharing the mental load requires active participation from both partners, not just passive agreement.
Carrying Capacity: Recognizing Your Limits
Every person has a carrying capacity—the amount of mental, physical, and emotional weight they can manage at any given time. It’s essential to recognize and respect these limits, both in yourself and in your partner. For years, I tried to carry everything: my career, the kids, the housework, the emotional labor of making sure everyone was happy. And it led me straight to burnout.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you should be able to handle it all. Society has long taught women, in particular, that they’re supposed to juggle everything with a smile on their face. But the truth is, no one can carry that much without cracking under the pressure. Recognizing your limits and acknowledging when you need help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of self-awareness and strength.
In a partnership, it’s vital to communicate openly about what you can handle and when you’re reaching your limits. It’s not about keeping score or competing over who has more on their plate; it’s about supporting each other and adjusting as needed. Some weeks, I carry more of the load because of Alex’s work commitments, and other weeks, he steps up when I’m feeling overwhelmed. That’s what a true partnership looks like: flexibility, communication, and a willingness to adjust based on each other’s needs and capacity.
What Are You Really Carrying?
Take a moment to reflect on your own carrying capacity. Ask yourself three key questions:
What are you carrying right now? Make a mental list of all the things you’re currently managing—both the visible tasks and the invisible mental load.
Why are you carrying it? Are you holding onto tasks out of habit, obligation, or a sense of control? Are there things you’re carrying that you could let go of?
What could you carry instead? Think about how you could redistribute some of the load, either to your partner or to others in your support network. Could you delegate some tasks at work? Could your partner take over a few more household responsibilities?
Being honest about your carrying capacity allows you to make intentional choices about where to focus your energy. And when both partners are clear about their limits, it becomes much easier to share the load in a way that feels balanced and fair.
Stop Keeping Score: It’s Not About Who Does More
One of the fastest ways to create resentment in a relationship is by keeping score. Whether it’s counting how many times you’ve done the dishes or keeping track of who’s handled the bedtime routine more often, keeping score turns your partnership into a competition. And when you’re competing, everyone loses.
There was a time when I would mentally tally how many times I’d picked up the kids that week compared to Alex. It didn’t make me feel better—in fact, it made me feel worse. Because once you start focusing on what your partner hasn’t done, it’s hard to stop. You begin to see only the things they’re not doing instead of appreciating the things they are.
In a true partnership, there’s an ebb and flow. Some days, you’ll carry more of the load, and other days your partner will step up. The goal isn’t to keep everything perfectly balanced at all times; it’s to create a sense of balance over the long term. Instead of keeping score, focus on the big picture. Did both of you contribute this week, even if the tasks weren’t divided evenly? Are you supporting each other in ways that go beyond just chores? That’s what really matters.
Final Thoughts on Sharing the Mental Load
Partnership isn’t just about dividing tasks—it’s about sharing the mental and emotional load that comes with managing a household and a family. When you’re both actively engaged in decision-making, planning, and organizing, it lightens the burden for everyone. It’s not about keeping score or expecting everything to be perfectly balanced; it’s about working together in a way that respects each other’s carrying capacity.
In the end, a successful partnership is built on open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to share the load. Life is full of decisions—some small, some significant—and by working together, you can navigate the mental fatigue and create a partnership that feels supportive and balanced.