Partnership Part 1
The Foundations of Partnership and Letting Go of Perfection
A Towel Story: The Small Things That Test Your Patience
Every Monday, like clockwork, Alex comes home and sees me folding laundry. Without a word, he grabs the towels and starts folding them. After 27 years of marriage, you’d think he’d know how to fold them "correctly"—which, of course, in my mind, means in thirds. But every week, without fail, Alex folds them in quarters. And every week, I feel my patience tested by this small, seemingly insignificant detail.
I could correct him. I could explain, again, that towels folded in thirds fit better in the closet and look neater on the shelves. But I don’t. Because here’s the thing: He’s folding the towels. And when it comes down to it, that’s what really matters.
This simple, almost comical story about towels gets at something deeper in relationships: It’s not about doing things perfectly. It’s about showing up, contributing, and letting go of the need for control. In a partnership, there’s always going to be something your partner does "wrong"—something that doesn’t meet your standard. But constantly correcting them is exhausting for you and demoralizing for them. Instead of focusing on the specifics of how a task gets done, focus on the fact that it’s being done at all.
Partnership Isn’t About Perfection, It’s About Effort
In every partnership, whether it’s marriage, co-parenting, or even working relationships, the real challenge lies not in who does what but in how the responsibilities are shared and appreciated. When we nitpick the details—like how towels are folded—we miss the bigger picture. A healthy partnership thrives when both people contribute and acknowledge each other’s efforts, even if things aren’t done exactly the way we’d prefer.
It’s tempting to fall into the trap of perfectionism, especially when it comes to managing a home or raising children. After all, we each have our way of doing things, and it’s easy to think that our way is the best or only way. But constantly demanding perfection from your partner is a sure way to create resentment, both for you and for them.
Instead, it’s important to appreciate the effort. Did they wash the dishes, even if they didn’t stack them in the drying rack the "right" way? Did they pack the kids’ lunches, even if the sandwiches were a little uneven? These might seem like small details, but learning to let go of perfection in favor of appreciating the effort is key to a harmonious partnership.
Letting Go of Control: Why It’s Necessary for a Healthy Partnership
Let’s be honest—sometimes it feels easier to just do things yourself. After all, if you do it, you know it will be done "right." But this mindset, while understandable, is a fast track to burnout. No one can do everything, and expecting yourself (or your partner) to be perfect all the time is not sustainable.
Letting go of control is essential for maintaining a healthy partnership. This doesn’t mean lowering your standards or accepting mediocrity. It means recognizing that there are multiple ways to get things done and that your way isn’t the only way. It means trusting your partner to handle tasks in their way, even if it’s not how you would do it.
When you let go of control, you make space for your partner to step up and contribute in meaningful ways. It’s about fostering an environment where both people feel valued and respected for their efforts, rather than constantly feeling like they’re being judged or criticized.
The Power of Competence Over Perfection
In our household, Alex and I have divided tasks based on our strengths. He handles paying the bills and taking out the trash, while I do the grocery shopping and laundry. Does everything get done perfectly? Absolutely not. But it gets done, and that’s what counts.
This brings me to an important concept I’ve learned over the years: Competence is more important than perfection. In other words, it’s not about getting everything exactly right all the time. It’s about being competent enough to keep the household running smoothly without driving yourself or your partner crazy.
Competence means doing the best you can with what you have. It means acknowledging that not every task requires 100% effort, and that sometimes "good enough" really is good enough. By focusing on competence, rather than perfection, you create a more relaxed, supportive environment in your relationship. And when you stop expecting perfection from yourself or your partner, you’ll find that life becomes a lot more enjoyable.
Stop Keeping Score: The Key to a Balanced Partnership
One of the quickest ways to create tension in any partnership is by keeping score. We’ve all done it—mentally tallying how many times we’ve taken out the trash, folded the laundry, or handled the kids’ bedtime routine. But keeping score only turns your relationship into a competition, and that’s not a recipe for a healthy partnership.
In reality, a partnership isn’t always going to be 50/50. Some days, you’ll carry more of the load, and other days, your partner will. That’s okay. The goal isn’t to have everything perfectly balanced all the time; it’s to ensure that, over the long run, you’re both contributing in ways that work for your relationship.
If you’re constantly keeping track of who’s done what, you’ll start to resent your partner for every little thing they haven’t done. And that resentment will build, slowly chipping away at the foundation of your relationship. Instead, focus on the bigger picture. Did they contribute in meaningful ways this week, even if they didn’t do everything perfectly? Did they show up when it mattered? That’s what counts.
Embrace the Minimum Viable Effort
One concept that has saved my sanity in both my home and work life is the idea of the "minimum viable effort." This doesn’t mean slacking off or doing the bare minimum. It means recognizing that not every task requires perfection, and that sometimes just getting it done is enough.
For example, when Alex and I divided household tasks, we didn’t set out to do everything perfectly. We set out to make sure everything got done. If the dishes weren’t stacked in the drying rack in the most efficient way, or if the towels were folded in quarters instead of thirds, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that the dishes were clean, and the towels were put away.
By embracing the minimum viable effort, you free yourself from the constant pressure to do everything perfectly. You give yourself and your partner permission to be human—to make mistakes, to cut corners when necessary, and to focus on what’s really important. And in the process, you create a partnership that’s based on mutual respect and shared responsibility, rather than on perfectionism and control.
Final Thoughts on Letting Go of Perfection
In the end, a successful partnership isn’t about who does what or whether tasks are completed perfectly. It’s about showing up, contributing, and appreciating each other’s efforts. When you let go of the need for perfection, you create space for your partner to step up and contribute in ways that matter. And when you stop keeping score and start focusing on competence over perfection, you build a relationship that’s based on mutual respect, trust, and support.
Life is too short to obsess over towel-folding techniques or who took out the trash last. Focus on what really matters—supporting each other, sharing the load, and letting go of the little things that don’t. Because in the end, the strength of your partnership lies not in the details but in the love and effort you put into it.