Embracing Nonlinear Womanhood: Rethinking the Linear Path (Part 2)

Introduction:

In our last post, we discussed the pressure of societal checklists and the concept of nonlinear womanhood. Today, let’s get into the weeds about how embracing a nonlinear path can shape our decisions about motherhood and other significant life choices.

The Story of My Move to Nashville

You might recall that as a second-year medical resident, living apart from my husband wasn't working for me (even if it seemed fine for him!). So, I made an unconventional move and asked my residency advisor at Stanford to help me transfer to Vanderbilt. Usually, this sort of transfer doesn't happen, but I asked anyway. Everyone was incredibly supportive. Amazing! I moved to Nashville to be with him, and we bought a house and got a dog!

Phew, I thought, I'm catching back up...

The Decision to Have a Baby

Now, I can't help you decide if you want to try to have a baby. There's an overwhelming number of things to think about—global warming, economic pressures, and your biological clock (how I hate that phrase!). Beyond those, there are also career ambitions, relationship stability, and personal readiness. It's not just about wanting a child; it's about considering whether now is the right time or will ever be. The decision is deeply personal and uniquely challenging, shaped by your circumstances, dreams, and the unpredictable journey of life.

As a woman, it's frustrating to feel the societal pressures that imply you're solely in charge of birth control, reproduction, and most of the child-rearing. Having a child is one of the few irreversible choices in life. It's a nerve-wracking, heart-wrenching, courageous leap that brings exhaustion, exhilaration, and joy. The weight of this decision is immense, blending fears of losing freedom and career progress with dreams of family and motherhood. It's a complex, profoundly personal choice shaped by external expectations and internal desires.

Dealing with Infertility

About “catching up”...

I finished my residency at Vanderbilt, excited to settle in Nashville with two dogs. Then, out of the blue, my husband decided he didn't like academics and was heading back to Silicon Valley. Whaaaaaat? I hadn't even landed my first real job at 29! But I figured I could job hunt in the Bay Area just as easily. So, we moved back to where I'd been two years before. Married for five years, living together for half—that's when I was ready to put down roots.

I didn't have much trouble getting pregnant, but staying pregnant was a different story. Between ages 31 and 33, I miscarried seven times, each around the 14 to 16-week mark. I'd hear a heartbeat loud and clear, only to be curled in a ball on the bathroom floor weeks later, crying and bleeding. Over and over. I began to resent pregnant women and babies—okay, I hated pregnant women, and I hated babies. Still, they seemed to be everywhere, with constant baby showers to attend. I wanted to hide away in a cave and never come out. Clearly, there was something wrong with me. With each loss, I became increasingly desperate.

There are tons of stories just like mine, and so many of us struggle.

Erica Berman is a fertility counselor who explains that women facing infertility often become consumed by the desire to conceive. "It is the first thing they think about when they get up in the morning and the last thing they think about before they go to bed at night. They often have difficulty concentrating at work and difficulty relaxing and/or sleeping. They are often tearful and moody. They can experience intense jealousy and resentment towards others who are pregnant or have children. Often, they withdraw socially to escape these unpleasant feelings. Women struggling with infertility sometimes lose pleasure and interest in the activities they once enjoyed and can start exhibiting symptoms of anxiety and depression."

The Importance of Flexibility and Support

So, where does this leave you? Life's journey, especially as a woman, isn't a straight line but more of a winding path. It's perfectly okay to take detours and side quests that make your journey uniquely yours. Think about Daphne's story, my own experiences, and your circumstances. It's clear there's no perfect time for anything—finding a partner, changing jobs, or having kids. The only timeline that matters is your own. Embrace the flexibility and seek support when you need it: It's okay to wander off the beaten path. You might just find more joy and satisfaction along the way.

Embracing Your Unique Path

The decision to have a child, like many other significant life choices, is deeply personal and influenced by various factors. It's essential to embrace your unique path, whether it involves children, career changes, or other significant decisions. The journey is not about following a predetermined timeline but about making choices that align with your values and circumstances.

Takeaway: Embrace flexibility in life and don't be afraid to deviate from the expected path. Make decisions that align with your values and circumstances for a fulfilling journey.

By embracing the concept of nonlinear womanhood, we can let go of the stress and guilt that comes with trying to achieve perfect balance. Instead, we can focus on what truly matters and find joy in the process. So, what are the paths that bring you joy? Which ones can you set aside? Embrace flexibility, seek support, and enjoy the unique journey that is your life.