Embracing Nonlinear Womanhood: The Rollercoaster of Parenthood (Part 3)
When I finally decided to have a baby, several things happened. Pregnant women and babies appeared everywhere. It's like when you're eyeing a specific car and suddenly see it on every road—moms and babies are omnipresent. Sex also got weird, not in a fun way. I had spent so much effort avoiding pregnancy that switching to “trying to make a baby!” felt different. Some women get pregnant easily. (We call my friend Marianne, “Fertile Myrtle.” If she even looks at her husband, she’s pregnant.) Many do not.
You’re Having a Baby—Now What?
You know that the struggle did end for us, and it ended in joy. I hope that is the case for you, too. Very sincerely.
Whether it’s the old-fashioned way, IVF, surrogacy, or adoption, let's say you’re having a baby! How exciting—and how scary. There’s plenty of fun in the lead-up to the big arrival—baby showers, shopping for adorable baby stuff. People always say “everything changes,” but until it happens, you have no idea just how true that is.
Identity Evolution vs. Constancy
Your body, your friends, your work—everything shifts as you become a mother. And if you're not careful, it's easy to fall back into cultural patterns you may not even realize you're following.
Your body will never be the same. Whether you carry a child yourself or not, you will never sleep deeply again. Studies show that even women in their 60s who are mothers have lighter sleep cycles than men and non-mothers. One ear is always listening.
Your friends will shift too—late nights out have new consequences. Kids wake up early no matter what time you went to bed. Before long, you’ll adapt your activities and travel plans to fit your new life.
Work probably changes the most. Do you keep working, modify your role, or pause altogether? There's no one right answer, though everyone will ask you about it as your due date approaches. Until you're actually living it, it’s tough to know how you’ll respond.
The Rollercoaster of Parenthood
Alex and I faced a rollercoaster of emotions with our miscarriages. After so many losses, we started planning for me to take extended time off work if we ever carried a pregnancy to term. We saved every penny for our “new baby fund.”
Finally, thanks to Dr. Julie and some gigantic progesterone suppositories, I carried Will to term. I knew I needed some time away after he was born. Postpartum depression didn’t help, but after about four months, I got restless. I knew what I was doing at work, how to be a good doctor and make people feel better. But with a baby, I had no clue.
All my friends were at work, and I was home alone, waiting for naptime to end so I could get out of the house. I was tired, unsure of myself, and lonely. I realized I needed to start planning my return to the hospital and meet new parents in the same boat.
Building a Support Network
I started talking to new moms at the park—anyone with a stroller, really. It felt desperate and weird at first. There was one woman I’d met at prenatal yoga, but I had no idea how to find her again. She was smart and funny, someone I really clicked with. Imagine my delight when, one day at the park, I heard someone say, “Did you go to Blue Dolphin prenatal yoga?” It was her!
Marianne came crashing back into my life, and our friendship saved us both. We both named our firstborn sons Will, without ever discussing it! We struggled with the transition from confident, capable working women to new moms dealing with insecurity and loneliness. Having her next to me, nodding in agreement, made everything easier. Twenty years and three more kids later, Marianne and I are still best friends. I can’t imagine my life without her as a friend, confidante, and sister.
We took different approaches to returning to work. I eased back into hospital shifts when Will was six months old, working mainly weekends so Alex could be home. Marianne had a traditional 9-5 role with a long commute. After six weeks, she realized she couldn't keep it up. She met with her manager and negotiated a work-from-home arrangement. This was a big deal in 2004. Eventually, when the hours crept up, she quit altogether. She made a choice, and it made all the difference.
Tips for Navigating Nonlinear Womanhood
Embrace Flexibility: Life rarely follows a straight path. Allow yourself to take detours and explore side quests that make your journey uniquely yours.
Build a Support Network: Connect with other women who share similar experiences. Friendships, like the one I rekindled with Marianne, can be lifesavers.
Redefine Success: Success isn't about ticking off a checklist but finding joy and fulfillment in your own way and time.
Ask for Help: Don’t be afraid to seek support from friends, family, or professionals, whether you're struggling with infertility, new motherhood, or balancing work and life.
Trust Your Timing: There's no perfect time for major life decisions. Trust your intuition and timing rather than societal expectations.
Stay Informed: Whether it’s about fertility, career choices, or parenting, stay informed and make decisions that feel right for you.
Prioritize Self-Care: Your well-being is crucial. Ensure you’re taking time for self-care amidst the chaos of life changes.
Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Each step forward is significant.
Adapt and Overcome: Be prepared to adapt your plans. Life is full of unexpected twists, and resilience is key to navigating them.
Enjoy the Journey: Ultimately, the journey is more important than the destination. Find joy in the present moment and appreciate the path you’re on.