Embracing Nonlinear Womanhood: The Pressure of the Checklist (Part 1)

Introduction: The “Should I, or Shouldn't I?” Dilemma

I stared at my 28-year-old friend Daphne as she collapsed onto her couch, kicking off her heels with relief. She glanced at her phone and pulled up some questions she had for me. Her mind buzzed with questions, insecurities, and doubts, each one jostling for space in her exhausted brain. Should I? Or, shouldn't I? The question loomed over her like a dark cloud.

Growing up, Daphne had absorbed the cultural expectations for young women like a sponge. It was an almost impossible checklist: finish school, get a great job you love, find a partner, move in together, maybe buy a place, and then? Maybe it's time for a baby. Somewhere in between, she was supposed to get a dog, a cat, or at least some plants and attend all her friends' weddings and baby showers. She’d been dutifully ticking off these boxes but now felt that she was running out of steam.

Daphne's Struggles with Expectations

Daphne had done well in school and was always the overachiever. (You know I can relate!) She graduated with honors, snagged a job at a marketing firm that she actually liked most of the time, and even managed to squeeze in some time for hobbies. But her career wasn't the glamorous dream she had imagined. Long hours and demanding clients left her feeling drained.

She met Jake during her last year of college. He was charming, funny, and seemed to have his life together. Honestly, they are fantastic together! They moved in together two years ago, renting a nice apartment in the city. Things were good, but the pressure to move forward was building. Her Instagram feed was a constant reminder of everyone else's milestones: engagement rings, wedding photos, ultrasounds, and baby bumps.

Daphne's best friend, Emily, is getting married next month, and lately, her weekends have been booked solid with bridal showers and bachelorette parties. The constant celebrations of other people's life events made her question her own path. She liked Jake. No, she loved him, but she wasn't sure if she was ready for marriage, much less a baby. The thought of adding more to her already full plate made her chest tighten with anxiety.

The Impact of Societal Pressure

The societal pressure was relentless. Every scroll through social media felt like a reminder of the life she was supposed to be living. The milestones she was supposed to have achieved. The constant comparison was exhausting and made her question her own decisions.

She told me about a recent evening, as she sat at yet another friend's baby shower, surrounded by pastel balloons and onesies, Daphne felt a wave of panic. The conversation around her buzzed about baby names and nursery decor, but she felt like she was in a different world. Should she be excited about these things? Should she be next in line?

Jake's Pragmatic Perspective

Jake joined the two of us just before she said, "I just feel like I'm supposed to have all this figured out by now. School, job, boyfriend, house, baby. It's like a never-ending list, and I'm falling behind."

Jake is a pragmatist, and he shrugged. "Who says you have to follow the list? We can do things our own way, at our own pace. It doesn't have to be so linear."

Damn right.

His words resonated with me, and they resonated with Daphne, but the pressure remained. The societal expectations, the internalized checklist, the fear of missing out—they all weighed heavily on her.

The Panic Years: Cultural and Personal Flux

Good grief, this linear stepwise approach seems ridiculous, and yet it's pervasive. All of this reminds me of "The Panic Years," a term used by Nell Frizzell to describe the period in the late 20s and 30s when women face intense pressure and uncertainty about significant life decisions. She says, "The Panic Years are different for everyone, and yet, in some ways, they are the same. This is the time in your life when you feel as though your options are narrowing, your life path is being defined, and you are acutely aware of the passing of time."

This phase of life is about grappling with decisions around love, career, friendship, fertility, and family, all while watching peers settle down and start families. A sense of urgency and confusion marks it—the proverbial ticking biological clock! More accurately, it's a profound time of personal and societal flux. "It's the period during which you're making choices that will affect the rest of your life—where to live, what work to do, whether or not to have a baby." These years are about the fear of running out of time to have children and establishing one's identity and stability in a world where traditional milestones are shifting. Women during this time may feel torn between professional ambitions and personal desires, leading to a reevaluation of priorities and life goals.

Conclusion: Embracing Nonlinearity

I'm panicking just thinking about everything we think we should achieve by some mythical deadline. No wonder women are stressed out at worst and ambivalent at best.

When we think about our lives as a checklist—a set of boxes to tick—we cement our thinking in a linear way. But real life, lived authentically, is more of a meander in the woods than a set of railroad tracks setting off in a straight line to the horizon. Sometimes, you might be on the path with many other folks, and sometimes, you're sidetracked by a butterfly or two that fly off into the forest. Eventually, you might find your way back to the beaten path, or you might just find a new way. By allowing yourself the freedom to do a bit of wandering, you may just find more joy along the way.

There's no best or perfect time to find a partner, buy a house, change jobs, or have a kid, and there's definitely no single way to be a mother. The only path that matters is yours, and hopefully, it's filled with interesting side quests, trips, and detours.

We must stop compartmentalizing the important parts of ourselves—work, partners, and (maybe) children. Instead, bring it all along for the ride! Only then can we pursue an often tiring but ultimately fulfilling journey.

The societal checklist for young women is crazy unrealistic and can lead to unnecessary pressure. Embrace a nonlinear approach to life, focusing on what truly matters to you.