Self-Care Part 2: Lessons from a Poem: Finding True Self-Care in Connection
When it comes to self-care, we often think of it as an individual act—something that revolves around us taking time out for ourselves. While it’s essential to carve out those moments of personal restoration, self-care is also deeply rooted in the connections we make with others and the intentional choices we make to nurture those relationships. For me, this realization became crystal clear through a simple poem shared by someone who understood the power of presence and connection.
The Heart of Self-Care: A Lesson from a Poem
Years ago, my boys' preschool teacher, Mrs. Oxton, handed me a poem that has stuck with me ever since. At the time, I was neck-deep in the chaos of raising small children, managing a household, and maintaining a demanding career. I was constantly trying to be the "perfect" mom—making sure the house was spotless, meals were healthy and balanced, and every family need was met. But something was always missing.
Then, this poem came into my life and shifted my perspective:
"If I had a child to raise over again,
I’d build self-esteem and the house later.
I’d finger-paint more and point the finger less.
I’d do less correcting and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes.
I’d care to know less and know to care more.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.
I’d be firm less often and affirm much more.
I’d model less about the love of power and more about the power of love."
These words encapsulated everything I had been missing. In my pursuit of perfection, I had overlooked the moments of joy, connection, and love that truly define our lives. This poem didn’t just speak to parenting—it spoke to life. It reminded me that true self-care isn’t about ticking off a list of tasks but about creating meaningful connections and embracing the present moment.
Shifting from Perfection to Presence
One afternoon, shortly after reading that poem, I found myself overwhelmed. The house was a mess, dinner needed to be made, and my kids were clamoring for attention. I was at a crossroads—either tackle the mountain of tasks or stop and connect with my children. Inspired by the poem, I made a choice. I sat on the floor, pulled out some paints, and spent the afternoon finger-painting with my kids. The joy on their faces reminded me of something I had nearly forgotten: It’s not about being the perfect mom. It’s about being present.
That afternoon changed the way I approached not just parenting, but self-care. The laundry could wait. The dishes would still be there. What mattered was the connection I made with my children in that moment—choosing love over perfection. It was a profound act of self-care, not just for me, but for my kids, too.
The Ripple Effect: How Self-Care Impacts Others
Self-care isn’t just about how you feel—it has a ripple effect that touches everyone around you. When you prioritize your well-being and take time to recharge, you show up more fully in your relationships. You’re more present, more patient, and more emotionally available. And this doesn’t just benefit your family—it impacts your friends, your colleagues, and anyone else in your orbit.
Children, in particular, are incredibly perceptive. They notice when we’re stressed, tired, or emotionally unavailable. When we practice self-care, we model healthy behavior for them. We teach them that it’s okay to take breaks, to set boundaries, and to ask for help. We show them that they don’t have to strive for perfection, because their worth isn’t tied to what they accomplish but to who they are.
Self-care, then, is a powerful tool in raising emotionally healthy and resilient children. It allows us to lead by example, showing them how to navigate life’s challenges with grace, self-compassion, and balance.
The Power of Connection in Self-Care
While self-care is often viewed as an individual act, the truth is, it’s deeply connected to the relationships we nurture. This means prioritizing time with those we love, choosing connection over correction, and letting go of rigid expectations. When we focus on building meaningful relationships—whether with our children, our partners, or our friends—we create an environment where everyone thrives.
For me, this shift in mindset was monumental. Instead of constantly focusing on doing things "right," I started focusing on doing things together. This meant being more intentional about spending time with my family, not just rushing through the day’s tasks. It meant letting go of the need for control and perfection and choosing, instead, to be fully present in the moments that mattered most.
Practical Ways to Prioritize Connection in Self-Care
So how do we bring this focus on connection into our daily lives? Here are a few practical ways to integrate connection-based self-care:
Be Fully Present: Whether you’re playing with your kids, having a conversation with your partner, or spending time with a friend, make the conscious decision to be fully present. Put away distractions like phones or work, and focus on the moment.
Schedule Quality Time: We often schedule meetings and tasks, but what about scheduling quality time for the people who matter most? Whether it’s a weekly date night, a family movie night, or a coffee catch-up with a friend, making time for meaningful connection is an act of self-care.
Choose Connection Over Correction: It’s easy to get caught up in "correcting" others—whether it’s telling your partner how to do something "right" or constantly reminding your kids to pick up their toys. But instead of focusing on what’s wrong, focus on connecting with them. The toys can wait; your relationships can’t.
Embrace Imperfection: When you let go of perfection, you make space for authentic connection. This doesn’t mean lowering your standards—it means recognizing that the people in your life value you for who you are, not for how perfectly you can juggle everything.
Create Rituals of Connection: Whether it’s sharing a meal together, playing a game, or simply talking about your day, find small ways to create rituals of connection in your relationships. These rituals help you stay connected to the people who matter most, even during busy or stressful times.
Connection as Self-Care in Professional Life
This focus on connection doesn’t just apply to your personal life—it also extends to your professional relationships. At work, I’ve found that self-care often means delegating tasks, trusting my team, and fostering a supportive environment where everyone feels valued. When we focus on building strong connections in the workplace, we create a culture where people can thrive. And as leaders, that’s part of our responsibility—not just to ourselves, but to those around us.
By practicing self-care in our professional lives, we create a ripple effect that benefits everyone. We empower others to take care of themselves, to work more effectively, and to build healthier, more balanced lives.
Building a Life Rooted in Connection
At its core, self-care isn’t just about bubble baths and massages. It’s about creating a life that’s rooted in connection—both with yourself and with the people who matter most to you. When we focus on building those connections, we create a foundation for a more fulfilling, joyful life. We stop striving for perfection and start living in the moments that bring real meaning.
Self-care, in this sense, is about showing up for yourself and for others. It’s about choosing love over perfection, presence over productivity, and connection over correction. And when you do, you’ll find that self-care isn’t just about you—it’s about creating a better life for everyone around you.
In Part 3, we’ll explore how redefining self-care can also redefine success, and how prioritizing your well-being can lead to a more satisfying, balanced life both at work and at home.