The Toxic Triangle of Comparison, Guilt, and Judgment
Part 2: Breaking the Cycle of Comparison in Parenting and Relationships
In Part 1, we explored how comparison fuels guilt and judgment, creating a toxic cycle that steals joy and prevents us from appreciating our own unique journey. In this part, we’ll focus on how comparison seeps into our parenting and relationships, leading to parenting styles that can undermine our children’s growth and independence. We’ll also look at how this cycle of comparison can impact our relationships with our partners, friends, and coworkers.
The Pressure to Be the "Perfect Parent"
One of the most insidious places where comparison rears its ugly head is in parenting. As parents, we often feel the weight of societal expectations, amplified by social media, which paints an unrealistic picture of family life. Scroll through Instagram or Facebook, and you’ll see countless images of parents with their smiling, well-dressed children—perfectly posed in immaculate homes, eating organic, home-cooked meals. It’s hard not to feel like you’re falling short when your own reality involves juggling work, homework, tantrums, and frozen dinners.
This pressure to be the "perfect parent" leads to what I call "competitive anxiety." It’s the idea that if we don’t do everything perfectly—whether it’s our child’s education, their extracurricular activities, or even their diet—we’re failing as parents. This anxiety doesn’t just affect our mental health; it also influences how we parent, often leading to harmful behaviors like helicopter and snowplow parenting.
Helicopter Parenting: Hovering and Control
Helicopter parenting is all about hovering—constantly being involved in every aspect of your child’s life, making decisions for them, and protecting them from any discomfort or failure. It might seem like you’re doing it out of love, but the underlying motivation is often anxiety. We compare ourselves to other parents, fearing that if we’re not constantly involved, our children won’t succeed.
However, helicopter parenting sends a damaging message to our children: that they’re not capable of making decisions or handling challenges on their own. By constantly stepping in to solve problems or control their environment, we deprive them of the opportunity to develop resilience, independence, and confidence. Small decisions, like choosing between ketchup or ranch dressing, might seem insignificant, but they build a child’s sense of autonomy and decision-making skills.
When we hover, we undermine our children’s growth, leaving them ill-equipped to handle the complexities of life. We might think we’re helping them, but in reality, we’re stunting their ability to navigate the world on their own terms.
Snowplow Parenting: Clearing the Path
Snowplow parenting takes a slightly different approach—one where parents preemptively clear any obstacles out of their child’s way to ensure they never experience difficulty or failure. On the surface, this might seem like a loving gesture. After all, no parent wants to see their child struggle. But just like helicopter parenting, snowplow parenting prevents children from developing the resilience they need to face life’s inevitable challenges.
Life isn’t a smooth path, and trying to remove every obstacle deprives children of the chance to learn how to overcome adversity. Struggles and failures are essential experiences that help children build problem-solving skills and emotional strength. When parents constantly "snowplow" the way forward, children may grow up feeling unprepared for the real world, where not every bump can be smoothed out for them.
Both helicopter and snowplow parenting styles stem from a place of love, but they’re fueled by the comparison game. We worry that if we don’t hover or remove obstacles, our children won’t measure up to others. But in trying to keep up with unrealistic expectations, we end up doing more harm than good.
The Impact of Comparison on Relationships
Comparison doesn’t just affect our parenting; it also seeps into our relationships with others, whether it’s our partner, our friends, or even our coworkers. In relationships, the need to measure up can lead to micromanaging, keeping score, and unnecessary conflict.
For instance, in a marriage or partnership, comparison can create tension if one partner feels they’re doing more than the other. You might find yourself keeping track of how many times you’ve done the dishes, cleaned up after the kids, or handled bedtime while your partner seemingly gets a free pass. This scorekeeping erodes the sense of partnership and turns the relationship into a competition, where both partners feel like they’re falling short.
Similarly, comparison can lead to micromanaging in the workplace or at home. Just as helicopter parenting stifles a child’s growth, constantly trying to control your partner’s or coworkers’ actions can undermine their ability to contribute. When we compare ourselves to others, we often feel the need to "do it all" to prove our worth. But this behavior creates unnecessary tension and prevents others from stepping up and sharing the load.
Breaking the Cycle: Embrace Partnership and Trust
The key to breaking the cycle of comparison in relationships is to embrace partnership and trust. Whether it’s with your spouse, your children, or your coworkers, real collaboration comes from recognizing that you don’t have to do everything yourself. It’s about letting go of the need to compare who’s doing more and instead focusing on how you can support one another.
In parenting, this means allowing your child to make their own decisions, face challenges, and learn from their mistakes. It’s about trusting that they’re capable of handling more than we often give them credit for. By stepping back, we give them the space to grow into confident, resilient individuals.
In relationships, it means letting go of scorekeeping and micromanaging. Instead of constantly comparing who’s doing more, focus on how you can work together as a team. This requires trust—not only in your partner’s abilities but also in the idea that you don’t have to control everything for things to turn out well.
The Dangers of Mommy vs. Mommy Judgment
One of the most toxic forms of comparison we encounter is the judgment that occurs among parents—what I call "Mommy vs. Mommy" judgment. We’ve all experienced it: the side-eye from another parent when you let your kids eat fast food, the whispered criticisms when you allow them to walk to school alone. These moments of judgment, whether subtle or overt, are rooted in comparison and competition. They’re about projecting our own insecurities onto others, reinforcing the false idea that there’s a "right" way to parent.
This kind of judgment creates division and erodes the sense of community that should exist among parents. Instead of supporting one another, we end up in a race to prove who’s the better parent. But here’s the truth: There is no universal rulebook for parenting. What works for one family may not work for another, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to outdo each other; it’s to raise happy, healthy children who feel loved and supported.
Stepping Out of the Comparison Trap
The good news is that we don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle of comparison, guilt, and judgment. By recognizing when comparison is creeping into our parenting or relationships, we can consciously choose a different path—one that values authenticity, connection, and trust over competition.
To step out of the comparison trap:
Acknowledge when you’re comparing: The first step is awareness. When you catch yourself comparing your parenting or relationship to someone else’s, pause and ask yourself why. Are these comparisons helping you grow, or are they making you feel inadequate?
Focus on your own journey: Everyone’s path is different. Instead of measuring your success or happiness against someone else’s, focus on what matters to you. Celebrate your unique journey, and trust that it’s just as valid as anyone else’s.
Practice gratitude: Comparison often stems from a sense of lack. By practicing gratitude for what you have—whether it’s your family, your career, or your own personal growth—you can shift your mindset from one of comparison to one of appreciation.
In the final part of this series, we’ll explore how to break free from the cycle of guilt and judgment, allowing us to build stronger, more supportive communities and relationships. We’ll also discuss how to find satisfaction by embracing our own unique paths, rather than measuring ourselves against others.